"Thank You"

A big 'thank you' to my friends who have left such great comments on my blog, after reading my 'happy news'!!!
It is the best times and a bit of the worst time because of still having chemo and feeling revoltingly yuck, and not enjoying anything I eat. But.....to see my family so relieved and to be able to talk to my 5yr old grandaughter India, and explain that my hair will grow back in a little while makes it all so positive and great.
Although......after all this I have been so proud that I have kept my eyebrows and now all of a sudden they have started coming out....and by the end of the week will probably be gone!! What's the deal with that??? I will be left with these two pale streaks of skin above my eyes!!
And they were still quite dark and I bet they grow back white or grey.
I look out the window and plan what I am going to do when I get to feeling better......there is no hesitation now and that is such a blessing.
I am looking forward to feeling like scrapbooking, shopping (without exhaustion after 5mts), taking photos again, visiting friends, helping others, going to Church and even a little bit (note the little bit!) of babysitting. Going for walks with Colin, and to the movies.
In fact we have some gold class and some ordinary tickets to use up. Hope there's some good movies coming out in a couple of months time.

Through the bathroom door!

Today I am feeling the usual yuck and tiredness from a big chemo session and overnight stay at the hospital.
However, I am also feeling very blessed, very grateful and very happy.....because........my dear oncologist, Gary Richardson, came to see me yesterday morning and reported on my test results. Everything is clear!!!!! The cancer is gone!!!!!! No tumours!!!!!!
I wanted to give him a big hug, but that was difficult because I was actually just gotten out of the shower (I was at the hospital) and so this wonderful news came to me through the bathroom door!!! How ordinary is that???
I know that this result has come through the love, support and strength that I have received from a Heavenly Father who loves me, a family who love me, friends who love me and all the wonderful medical help I have received.
My heart is full, and even though I still need to finish another three weeks of chemo I know it has done what it needed to and the light at the end of the tunnel is shining very, very bright.
I cry at anything and everything at the moment.....good things, happy things, basically anything.
Sometimes I feel that this whole journey is happening to someone else.....except that I feel the yuckiness of it all. And I just plod through each day and cope with whatever comes my way. I think when the journey reaches it's end I will then fully comprehend what I have been dealing with.
That's why it's good that I have been recording so much for my journal. I will be able to reflect on where I have been, how I've coped and gotten through.
So, now that I am back in to the full chemo thing I won't be 'doing' much.
I have watched 10 episodes of the current Greys Anatomy. Currently on to Brothers and Sisters and then I might even get interested in Desperate Housewives.
I feel excited that 2008 is going to be a bright year. Full of getting my life back in to balance and my health into balance as well.

Medically Speaking.....

My darling daughter Andrea has a challenge on her hands. Being a single Mum with three gorgeous children...she has just had confirmed that our beautiful little grandaughter Sahn has autism. She falls within the ranges of autism, however, if she can be taught to speak within the next 6 months she may just slip through that window of opportunity. The only word she says regularly is 'ta!'. When she gives you something, or wants something. She has just started at the early childhood intervention at Yooralla, once a week, and they have a speech therapist there. Hopefully and with much prayer our beautiful little girl can learn to speak.
Of course that is not the only behaviour etc., that puts her in the autism classification. She has other difficulties as well, but they are not too bad and again hopefully with help be modified.
It's all been overwhelming for poor Andrea and she needs lots of our support and help.
One of the main reasons I am doing serious thinking about returning to work, or not. Apart from my own health of course.

This week has been a medical week! Every day I have had to do something with Doctors. Monday needed to see my GP. Nice to catch up with him and have a little chat about some things that I was still concerned about to do with his handling of my situation way back in October. We had a good chat and I feel confident now that he did what he thought was the best.
Tuesday was my PET Scan at Monash Moorabbin. I was there for four hours. It was 7pm when I got home absolutely exhausted.
Wednesday was a blood test at Cabrini Brighton, a Chiro treatment at my work (yes...they are still holding a position for me if/when I am ready!! And I still get free treatment!!), then a CT Scan back at Moorabbin Monash. Not much time to sit and do nothing, like have a rest!!!
Today....it's back to Cabrini Brighton for one of the 'big' chemo treatments and overnight stay.
I am so over hospitals, doctors, tests, needles and anything else to do with 'medical'.
Yes, I am nervous what the results of my scans will be. Even though the tumour in my neck is basically gone I have no idea what's happening internally.
I am also still concerned about the 'something' that was in my large bowel and was seen with my first tests....recommending a colonoscopy.
I am not sure if I will get any results when i see Gary Richardson today...or if that's too soon and I have to wait until next week.
Again, this week I've had some lovely cards......from Robyn of course (no.12) and Jenny my very very good friend who now lives in Tasmania. We used to play basketball together at Albert Park and knew eachother through Church as well. She used to live in White Street but when her husband Malcolm retired he wanted to live somewhere where he could go birdwatching. So they packed up and moved to Tassie.
Jenny has always been such an inspiration to me. She is a wonderful seamstress. She can see any design and make the pattern, cut the fabric and sew the garment(s). She has made some absolutely wonderful clothes and used to be in the highest demand for wedding dresses. She's always encouraged the 'creative' side in me. I love writing to her. She doesn't 'do' emails....so it's snail mail and you know, it's fun getting letters in the mail.
Also had a sweet letter from Nayla...just to say she misses me. She is my children's age, with three lively boys of her own. Nice that I am missed around the place!!!

I have had a 'busy' week so far. I am supposed to be uncomplicating my life, but it seems there is always something that needs to be done or visitors.
I went to Southland with Andrea, Sahn and Orson to buy a present for my sisters birthday so I could post it in time to arrive tomorrow. Had fun, and spent way too much money on other things besides. I can't be let loose in shops because I want to buy way too many things.
My good friends Jean & George came for a visit yesterday afternoon. I have known them for over 30 years and just really enjoy having revived our friendships.
Today, my eldest sister came for a visit with her youngest daughter and two granddaughters. Erna lives in Brisbane and I havn't seen her since our Mum's funeral four years ago. She's getting a bit older now........(of course I'm not!!) but still as bright and bubbly as always. Emma, my niece is such a sweet girl and her two little daughters are adorable. Madeline is two and Hannah is 5 weeks old. We're going to stay in touch more....she only lives about 7ks from here.
Poor Robyn Baker (my dear, dear friend) is still making a card each week to help me count the weeks...and because of the delay in treatment she is making way more cards than she first thought. She is so lovely and I so enjoy receiving her cards, as I do receiving everyone's. I have a huge collection of cards and drawings from my grandchildren and great-nieces. I am keeping them all!!!
I actually started some work on my journal. I have the first page almost done!!! I can't believe how much I've actually written to document this journey. And reading the first page going back to September 26th when I discovered a lump in my neck, was quite an emotional experience because I had forgotten how scared I was then. How confused I was....and now looking back with what I know has happened since then.......it's quite an experience.
I was really touched this week. A memorable week in our Federal Parliament with our newly elected Prime Minister say 'sorry' to the stolen generations of aboriginal children and families.
It made me think a lot about saying sorry, and if that apology is accepted or not.
I could see that all over Australia aboriginal people accepted the apologies with dignity and a great desire to now move forward.
It, unfortunately I guess, made me reflect on things that happened in my life last year. Some of which I am not proud of. However, I have apologised several times and in different ways.........and apart from one person....my apologies have never been accepted. It made me sad. Not sad to go back but sad that after many years I am not welcome anymore in a place that I really loved. And that I am only remembered for some mistakes I made and not for anything I may have contributed.
Anyhow......it was just something that I thought was an interesting parallel to draw.
Time to get dinner heated up.

Asking the question

I've been home from hospital a week now, and it has been a comfortable week. Got good report from the surgeon....he will finish off what else needs to be done to the abscess on my neck when I have finished chemo.

Have had some really lovely good wishes from friends and family. Flowers, cards, ice poles and little 'positive quotes' books. I am so blessed by all the friends I have. I never feel alone!!! As for my family......I can't say often enough how amazing they are. Especially the women.....I still call them girls but they are women. They help me constantly and I know that in time I will be able to 'pay it forward' and help others.

One of my friends own a business called 'cupcake corner' - she has an online store if you want to check it out. http://www.cupcake/ corner.com.au She makes the most gorgeous cupcakes. So when I was in hospital she left a box of 5 of these cakes at reception for me. With a very young family of 4 and another on the way it was a big effort for her to drive to Cabrini and drop in these cupcakes.

I have had a bit of fun this week.....feeling a bit more chirpy than I have over the past months. I bought myself a portable DVD player. It has a 10" screen which is great. Now when I feel lousy, and it's hard to do anything I can watch a DVD wherever I am. I am currently watching the first series of Prison Break. I never got in to that when it was first aired. Now I am loving it.

My girls have downloaded lots of episodes of the current Greys Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters and Desperate Housewives. Whatever has been aired in the US up to the screen writers strike, they have downloaded.

So, I have a lot of viewing to do. And will again have plenty of time to do it as I start chemo again this coming week.

I finally had the courage to ask my oncologist the big question. "If I had not started chemo, what would have been the outcome for me?"

I was stunned by his answer. He told me I would die within three to six months. the tumour in my neck is/was so aggressive.!!! But treatable!!!

This took quote a bit of processing. I'm glad I didn't know that from the beginning because I don't think I would have handled that knowledge very well then .....but that now more than half way through chemo I know I've made the right choice. And......I believe that I am actually looking more positively at the next five weeks. Bring it on!!!!

I actually had some fun in my scrapbook room.....I made 14 small 'thank you' cards. It took a while to get them all done.....all the same design just different colours. I even made small envelopes so I can post some.

Colin came in and said it was so nice to see me in there again.

10 days!

This is going to be really quick.
Thank you Dawn, Ange and Claire for your support - I love the balance ideas as well.
Unfortunately, I havn't had my Pet Scan or CT Scan yet!!!
Why not??? Because, I got very sick. On the Wednesday I started to feel unwell and by Thursday morning I was so sick I thought I was going to die. Vomitting, passing out, the works!!! (so all the tests were cancelled)
By the evening my temperature was 38.8c and I knew that I had to page my Oncologist. Who, when he rang sent me straight to Cabrini, Malvern.
After blood tests were done, I was admitted into the hospital via emergency. Put on a drip with IV antibiotics going in as well.
I also had what I thought was a large pimple, or boil on the back of my neck.
It turns out that through a hair follicle or mosquito bite a very bad bug entered my body. My white cell count ( white cells fight off infection) was Zero due to chemo....and couldn't fight the bug.
It turned out to be a staph bug and I developed septicaemia that poisoned my body. The 'thing' on my neck turned out to become an abscess the size of a walnut and a surgeon had to lance and drain that.
So, I have been in hospital for 10days!!!!!!! Feeling a bit better now........and still havn't had any of the tests. And.....chemo has been delayed untill next week, as long as I am well enough to restart. So, I still have 5 weeks of it to go!!!
My life has certainly not been balanced!!!
I can't wait until it gets to that point....in the future.