Balance

It's been a slightly less horrible week. No big dramas or tummy bugs thank goodness. Just the usual yuck and awful!
But.....I am now over halfway there!
Tomorrow I have my CT and PET Scans and I am being really confident that the results will be great!
5 more treatments to go all being well.
And as far as that goes everything is the same old same old. So, I now want to start focusing on some different things that I do actually think about from time to time. I mightn't put anything into practise just yet....but planning and thinking are a good way to start.
It's nearly one month into 2008 and all my focus has been on getting through this 12 weeks of chemotherapy and shaking off the cancer in my body.
This is a natural thing to be focusing on. However there is going to be a lot more of 2008 to live as well. Hopefully without too much of any major health issues coming my way.
So I began to think about Balance!
And many years ago I read a couple of books by a lady called Susan Jeffries. In one of them she had a great 'plan' for achieving balance in your life.
Basically consider my life is in a 9 block grid. Each grid is unique to me because my needs and priorities are mine alone. Once I've indentified what I would like to focus on it then becomes a matter of making sure that I invest time in each of these areas. It won't always be evenly spread. At different times one area will normally take precedent. However in order for this to work I can identify when I am not investing in one area and need to pick up the slack.
The big bonus is: that if something goes wrong in one area of my life.....the other 8 are still working strong and help bouy me up to cope with where a struggle may be. It means that my 'whole life isn't devistated'....it means that there is invested time and energy already in place.
I love this whole principle and so I am going to try and identify my 9 areas.
These are not in any order of priorities....just areas I want to balance or add for 2008
Health
Spirituality
Family
Education learn a new skill, hobbie
Fitness
Service helping people
Leisure
Employment
Relationships friendsfamily

So, now I need to look at each of these and set some goals, manageable ones that I can begin to invest some time in them.
Now I can see 2008 a little differently than I have been.
Now I don't see it as 'once I get past having treatment, once I get better'. I can do things NOW!

A few days feel like a week..!

What a week it's been! Actually it's only been a few days but it feels like a week!
Saturday my whole family went to a restuarant to celebrate Colins'60th birthday. It was so great, everyone came and we all had fun. The grandchildren loved it. Colin enjoyed himself and coped with the fact that they brought out a big cake with sparklers etc. and we all sang Happy Birthday to him. Some friends of ours were at the same place as well, and joined in the fun!
My only problem was that I got totally worn out and nearly collapsed.
I got everyone worried and concerned which I never intended to do because this was Colin's night.
I had a massive blood nose as well.......so the evening kind of ended on a bit of a downer. Daniel and Carolina followed us home to make sure I was OK. Everyone else rang or SMS'd through the evening.
We all realised, and me more than anyone how little energy I now have. I physically struggle to a whole lot, and mentally I'm a basket case!!!
So, now we all realise that I have a few more restrictions on my comings and goings. My goings will definetly not be with me behind the wheel of any vehicle. And, I have to accept that I need to allow my family to help me more than I thought I would need to.
My Oncologist told me that this fatigue would increase and make things very difficult for me.
Am I content to lie around and read and sleep??? It's difficult...but I do get up and clean one toilet, have a rest and clean the other one!!!! Not all day long of course...just daily! I still need to be able to do even some small things so that my whole day isn't without something productive in it.
Monday I met little Zachary Dymond!!!! I had big cuddles!!!! He is gorgeous. A real little snuggly baby. Thank you Grandma Robyn for bringing him over to visit. I so enjoyed seeing both of you.
And to Jean for popping in as well.
Today, we celebrated Sara's 28th birthday. My baby!!!!! The girls (except for Carolina and her children because Riley has chickenpox!) bought lunch from a Japanese restuarant and brought it over. The children all played so good and Sara enjoyed her pressies as well!!!
Tomorrow - more visitors booked in! A busy week.
My Pet Scan and CT Scans are booked in for Thursday next week! I'm a bit concerned because I have to fast from midnight....and I won't get out of there until after 1pm. What with already being a basket case mentally and physically I am not sure If I can cope with being there on my own (dropped off and picked up!!). Will have to talk to 'the girls' and see if anyone can come with me and actually stay with me. It's difficult because they all have their children home for the holidays.
So, I guess that in two weeks time i will know what my body has been up to with all the chemo. Is the cancer gone? Is it all gone???
I am grateful for living in this country. Thanks Mum and Dad for moving here!!!! We have such a wonderful health system and I am lucky to be able to benefit from the technologies and medications that have developed and are available. Even if they do make me feel like something the cat dragged in!
Better get some beauty sleep so I can be at my best for visitors tomorrow.

Treatment number 6!!!

Talked to Dr. Richardson today and he checked me out thoroughly. He thinks I 'may' have a tummy bug so has given me antibiotics. However the whole yucky thing can be the treatment. It is an aggressive treatment having it every week and does accumulate in my body. So, he has also given me a new anti-nausea tablet that is on a special government script. So, hopefully I will start to feel a bit brighter.
When I went to have my treatment I got isolated from everyone else in case I did have a bug of some kind.
So, lucky me got to hop on a bed.....and I slept through most of the whole thing.
Not that makes me feel all bright and chirpy because no matter how much or how little sleep I get I am always very, very tired. Part of the deal!!!
So, I have now had 6 treatments. Half way there...kind of. And number 6 card arrived from Robyn today. How clever is she?
In a couple of weeks I will be having a PET scan to see if there is any cancer still. Better not be!!!
If everything is good, then i finish the 12 weeks and then for two years once every two months I have a treatment.
I have never yet asked my doctor what would happen if I had opted to not have the treatment. How long would I have etc? I think I've been to scared to ask that question.
Maybe one day I will. I know he started treatment straight away and aggressively and hard so there was no mucking around.
My Uncle in Holland died from stage 3 lymphoma last year....I never knew that's what he died from. I emailed my cousin and she gave me all the details.
It's such an insiduous disease........you don't know you have it. It should be more painful in it's early stages.
I think I'm really venting a bit here!!!
Time to go and watch some TV and lighten up.

Its' a tough road

I was never intending to use my blog as reference to write my 'cancer journey'. I had big plans to write regularly about where I'm at etc. But that's been a lot harder than I imagined it would be. So, I'm glad that I've kept my blog pretty much up to date.
It's hard to feel like writing when you feel yuck!!!
This last week (week 5) has been pretty tough! I'm feeling more and more tired and just so nauseous all the time. Have to discuss this with my Oncologist today. I have tablets to take but have no idea how bad the nausea needs to be before I use them etc.
So, I havn't accomplished much of any note this week.
It's also hard to find anything I can eat. I can't cope with rich and sickly, creamy foods. Even icecream!!! I was able to eat low fat cheese, but all of a sudden that's not so appealing. It seems like dry bread rolls, fruit salad and icepoles at the moment. Great diet!!!!
I had an amazing and emotional day on Monday.
I have been reading some series of books given to me by a friend....and was enjoying them but she didn't have anymore.
So on to Ebay I went, and find 9 of them!!! And managed to buy them all for a song. So they arrived on Monday.
Plus a parcel from my niece Abigail who lives in Adelaide. She sent me an MP3 player!!! She included a letter that just blew me away and had me sobbing!!!! Her thoughtfulness and caring and the music she already uploaded on to it were all to help support and strengthen me!!!!
Then.......another niece, Stephanie who lives in Canada with her husband and new baby rang me!!! Her baby wasn't sleeping so she decided to call me. We chatted for about an hour!!! It was so much fun, and reminiscing over past Christmas' we used to share as families.
So, Monday I laughed and cried a lot!!!!
Andrea has been so amazing again. She organised all the girls to make a meal each because we were down to frozen dinners. She's taken me shopping for Sara's birthday....and cleaned the house.
Today she is picking me up for my treatment and it's going to be hot! hot! but she's OK about coming all that way.
Sara will pick me up and drop me off at home,l where I will immediately turn up the AC and crash!!!!!
So many friends have made meals, popped in to do ironing so thank you Noelene, Myra, Jean and of course my dear friend Robyn for sending me a card every week to help me count down the 12 weeks. Gorgeous hand made cards........and lovely cheerie emails. Also, Anita for always making me crack up at her comments and her emails.
Thank you to for Dawn and Jane for your encouraging comments....I do appreciate it heaps.
Time to brave the day.......!

From one year to the next.....!

My eldest son, Daniel.

My two beautiful daughters, Sara and Andrea with their Mum (me!)
The crazy, crazy Grandchildren getting stuck into their Christmas tucker.
We really missed Blakey. He was in Tassie with his dad.


Not sure why, but I didnt' get a picture with son number 2, Martin
Christmas has come and gone....New Years Eve has come and gone!!!! Every day is just flying past so quickly.
I had a great Christmas. We had 21 people at our home. All family.......and it was just the greatest.
I managed to stay awake, reasonably alert and happy all day. Well...untill about 7pm and then I crashed!
Andrea, Sahn and Orson stayed over on Christmas Eve so we had fun with them opening presents early in the morning.
All the food had been prepared and organised by the girls. I didn't have to do anything except be there!
Even got my camera out!!!
I got some great pressies. Seasons 1-3 of House, Pajamas, perfume and some books.
Boxing Day I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Literally! I was exhausted and spent most of the day sleeping and reading.
And then it was back to Cabrini in Malvern for my week 4 of chemo. So that took care of a few more days feeling yucky and awful.
And the weather.......my goodness how hot was it on New Years Eve???? We went to Martin and Tambi's and had a great time. Again I managed to hang in there with everyone. We played some board games and sang and just laughed a lot. It was heaps of fun!!!! Got home about 1:30pm so I did very well.
Today Colin and I went to the movies to see National Treasure 2. Absolutely loved it! We have the first one on DVD which we watched yesterday. I just love the character Riley. He just cracks me up!!! Probably cuz he reminds me of my grandson Riley....the absentmindedness and the 'i just don't get it!'
Tomorrow is Chemo number 5. Another hard one that knocks me out for six for the whole week pretty much.
Can't really eat and nothing tastes like it's supposed to anyway.
I'm getting used to not having hair. I mean.......I have the quickest showers!!! Dressed, and ready to go. No shampooh, no conditioner, no mousse, no hairdryer, no hairspray, no hair colouring, no hairdresser appointments. All pretty simple!
Have found a great website in the US for turban style head coverings that are really awesome and my sister is going to make me some.
I still havn't worn my wig. I like it....when it's on the stand. When I put it on me....it's a wig!!! I can't get past that mentally, and so I feel more comfortable with scarves.

Early tomorrow I am off to Southland with Sara to find a present for Colin. It's his 60th birthday on Monday!! He is getting old!

Three more Christmas Angels.......well it's hard to see if the third one is an angel. Grandchildren India by the tree, Isaac totally uninterested on the couch and curly top Mckenzie. These beautiful little ones came with their mum Tambi to visit today. They brought lunch and dinner for tonight. Thank you heaps!!!

Had my third round of Chemo yesterday and overnight....feel like a Zombie today....but a bit wired because of the steroids kicking in. I'm just hoping I don't get sick like last week.

In the shower today I lost about a baseball size wad of hair. Yucky! Tomorrow is looking good for the big shave. And...I think I'm OK about it.

Thank you Dawn for your encouragement and ideas all the time. I have found the oral drops from the Chemist you recommended are great...didn't bother getting the script from the Doctor filled at the Chemist.

It's getting closer and closer to Christmas Day......I think I'm more focused and into it this year than for ages.

Colin is hope until the 14th of january. He is just great. Helps with everything and anything and has been the best!!!!

Received Robyn B's 3rd card this week.....a Christmas Card of course!!! Thank you dear friend!

Time to try and eat a bit.

The Magic of Christmas

Just getting into the spirit of Christmas. It's such a magical time of the year. This week a few of the ten little grandchildren have been for a visit. Riley, Joshua and Harrison and Blakey and Sahn.
Of course they love all things Christmas so getting out the camera was no problem.
I love the cheeky look on Sahns face as she's attempting to denude the Christmas tree and gather herself some ornaments.
Christmas is a magic time. No matter what else is going on. It's a time to reflect on the reason for Christmas. Why we celebrate this very special occasion of the birth of The Saviour.
I love hearing the children talking about this and the respect and reverence they have.
Of course.......the presents kick in pretty quick too!!!!

Hair

What have I been up to this week? It seems like the days are just flying by. Which is good news at the moment.
Andrea came over with Blake and Sahn, to clean the house for me and then we went to do a bit of shopping for things for Christmas day.
I actually ventured out on my own as well. I had to go to Medicare...so many bills to get some money back from. So, I decided to drive to Southland way before anything opens so that a) I could get a car park and b)so that I could get into Medicare without having to wait in a huge line because I would probably pass out. 8:15am there I was.....a close car park spot and 45mts to use up. Well BigW was open.....so I bought some things there. then positioned myself on a bench outside Medicare and waited.........I was the 2nd one in there and on the way home by ten past nine.
When I came home a friend called around, and said she'd just popped in to do my ironing for me. How sweet. We chatted for a while and then she was gone. Thank you Noelene
Tonight another friend popped in with a meal for us. I have frozen it because we were OK for tonight....but it will come in handy later on. Thank you Cindy
Had a doctors visit, and then popped in to work. I won't be able to make the Christmas breakup on Friday so I left my Kris Kringle pressie there and some choccies for everyone. It was great, because Vickie had made a point of coming in to say Hi.....and she was just so great and encouraging.
Talked to me heaps about how I'm feeling about loosing my hair etc. It was good to look at that for a bit....not for too long...kinda got my head in the sand over that one.
THEN......this morning I wake up early. Sara and Monty are sleeping over as usual. I'm standing in the bathroom at 5am running my fingers through my hair and watching the pile of hair get thicker and thicker in the basin. Sara realised what was happening and jumped out of bed and hugged me.....we both just looked at the mess and laughed.
However, it's been a strange day with this happening. Something I can't now ignore.
So.....because I have such a great bunch of kids and grandkids we have planned a Haircutting Ceremony for Saturday.
My hair is going to shaved off. Martin's hair is going to be shaved off. Isaac's hair is going to be shaved off. Monty's hair is going to be shaved off. Orson's hair is going to be shaved off.
All in support of me! It's going to be a scrapbooking moment (when I get ready to revisit it one day down the future) with lots of photos.
I have a wig, I have caps, I have scarves I have hats.........I just won't have hair!
Tomorrow I am back in hospital.......3rd round of Chemo and an overnight stay at Cabrini Brighton.
I have felt good today.....energetic....getting things done. Tomorrow I have the full round of drugs so it will knock me out again. But..it's something I have to do with a positive attitude.
Better go and practise some interesting scarf tying.

Stuck in the BP Service Station!

I had my second round of treatment on Friday.......felt exhausted again when I got home. Which was pretty late actually. My treatment started at 10:30 and I didn't get home till 5pm so it was a long day.
It was good that last Wednesday I had a pickline put in my arm. No more looking for veins to give my treatment through. Just straight into the line that's permanently in my arm.
Didn't feel too bad Saturday, but then this morning......wow!!! Colin and I had to go out briefly and I needed to stop........! The nearest place was a BP Service station. I went in, asked for the key to the toilets....and half an hour later I was still there. I was soooo sick!!!! It was horrible! I thought I was going to have to crawl out to the car. Poor Colin didn't have a clue why I was taking so long.
That's the worst I've felt so far.
Now for the good things......my hair is still there. Although it has stopped growing. I don't have any re-growth coming through!
I have lost nearly 8kgs in weight since the whole hospital thing started early November. Don't recomment this as a good weight loss programm though!
Had a lovely email from our Church Womens Auxilliary (Relief Society) to say that once a week for the length of my treatment one of our dear members will drop off a meal to help out.
So, between family and friends I am getting so much support and help. I feel truelly blessed.
Had some lovely cards from friends during the week. Thank you Claire, Sue & Peter and Maureen and Derek.
Tonight we had a family dessert night.
Blakey is going to Tasmania on Tuesday and won't be with us for Christmas....so he got his presents from the family tonight.
I just love seeing all the family together, and all the joviality and fun that comes with it. It's the best medicine!!!
The older ones are asking me when my hair is coming out. They tell me that I will be getting nothing but wigs for Christmas!!!! Nothing like the children to keep things normal.

One week down......!

A big big congratulations to Hayley........a new baby boy!!!! A little brother for Sebastian.....Zachary.
Grandmother Robyn was very excited last night!!!
I also want to thank Robyn for your sweet cards. Sending one each week to help me count down the 12 weeks is such a beautiful gesture. And I love the sentiments you put in as well. You are a great friend!
It's been a real learning curve with my first week nearly done.
Learning what all the 'home medications' are for. Which ones make me feel OK, and which ones don't.
How to use my days well and still be kind to myself.
Driving is a real problem. My brain is so foggy.......! And as for shopping, well forget it! I went to Parkmore with Andrea on Monday and ended up giving her my shopping list and just following behind. She was even worried she might loose me and have to send out SOS signals!!!
A big thank you to my girls for helping me.......I hope that they continue their enthusiasm for next 11 weeks.
Andrea has driven me all over the place for appointments. Dragging little Sahnie around who has been getting grumpier by the day. Can't blame her!!!
Tambi making a meal that lasts for two nights.....and visiting with India and McKenzie.
Sara for sleeping over two nights and bringing Monty (although this is a normal routine, it just means more) and chatting and laughing. Especially when I'm wandering around the house at 5am eating a banana!!! Well, I was hungry!
Carolina for your encouraging phone calls and listening ears when I was feeling a bit emotional.
My boys too, of course. Daniel calling at 10pm to ask me how I'm feeling!!!
Martin is in Brisbane this week for a big Motorola presentation he has to do, so havn't heard too much.
And....Colin. He has been a real strength and encouragement. I think it's only just hitting him what this is all about so it's been hard for him too.
I'm feeling a bit churpy because it's the end of the chemo week, and the effects of the drugs are much less. Then comes tomorrow and I'll be trying to deal with the chemical blast again!!!
I've finished all Christmas projects.......so now I'll be able to seriously work on my journal and anything else I feel like doing.
And....this is a ridiculous time in the morning to be writing on my blog.....so I'm going back to bed!!!

Yuck and Awful

The whole chemo thing is very overwhelming. 24hrs in the hospital and a continual stream of drugs going into my body.

• Then there's the extra tablets that you have to take
• And the box full of different stuff to take home to take untill next week
• The injection in my tummy just before going home.

The staff are amazing and the other patients are all sweet and perpy and lovely. I was just overwhelmed. By the second day I slept through most of my session.

Coming home.....well it's good!! I feel yuck although you get so much stuff now to stop you throwing up which is good. I feel very tired, all the time.

So, I push myself through that a bit. Had a 30mt walk this morning, did some ironing and a bit of tidying up. Then a rest.....then a bit of work on some Christmas projects and now I've had it again.

Had fun with my wig yesterday. I arrived on Friday and there was no way I was going to open it. Of course when Sara came around with Monty she wasn't going to waste any time and before long Monty was modelling it, then Sara and then it was my turn. That wasn't quite as much fun.

But....I think we made a good choice. If not, bad luck because that's what I'll be wearing. Although I'm liking the idea of scarves more I think.

Well, that's my post for now.

And It Starts.................

Had an interesting day today. My GP has the report from my PET Scan and rang and asked me if a colonoscopy has been arranged.'No.' was my reply. 'Why?' was my question.
Well in my large bowel is a growth about 2cm it may be innocent, but it may not be and needs to be investigated straight away.
'I'm starting Chemo tomorrow won't that kill of anything there as well?'
No.......that would need surgery and ray treatment.
'Go away!' was my reply.
So, now he's emailing my Oncologist to find out what is happening in regards to this.
Honestly..........I feel like I'm punch drunk.
Went to Cabrini Brighton Oncology for an information interview with the head oncology nurse. She is so lovely. Didn't like all the stuff she told me. Like, arrange a wig immediately!!! You're going to be on steroids as well as about 50 other drugs. I don't want to put on weight....I want to loose weight. Not just hair!!!
It is all very overwhelming. Also I have the worst veins and will have to go to Cabrini Malvern next week to have a permanent port put in. They'll manage for tomorrow (yikes...is it really starting tomorrow??) but definetly will have trouble after one week.
Have all this stuff to read about the side effects and the things to ring the doctor about in the middle of the night, if they happen.
I don't think I'll get to sleep if I start reading all of that.
Came home to a huge bunch of flowers from two lovely young mums (sisters, Elizabeth and Amy) and a phone message from a florist to say she has to deliver flowers and it will be after 7pm.
I am so looked after by friends and family.
Thank you too Jane and Claire for your encouraging messages. It sure helps a lot and I appreciate it very much.
Time to sign off..........You'd think nothing else was happening in my life at the moment wouldn't you? Like my two daughters fighting over who is going to take me to the hospital tomorrow. Hey girls, there's going to be 12 weeks of this! And daughter Andrea coming over unexpected and cleaning my whole house. What darlings I have raised.

Moving Goalposts

The goalposts have moved, again. Everytime I see a Doctor I get new news. And....it's never an improvement on the first lot.
Today I had my appointment with my Oncologist. He had the results of my bone marrow biopsy and PET Scan.
Fortunately there is no cancer in my bone marrow. Which is the biggest relief, because the prognosis for that would not be good.
However, in my lymphatic system it is not confined to just my neck. I have the cancer in three different groups of lymph nodes.
I was again just blown away by this news. I have had the hardest time over the past 4 and a half weeks. With the unexpected cancer diagnosis, with the anaphylaxis shock, and now the cancer being worse than first thought. It's not easy dealing with all this. And the waiting. Since September I have been on a treadmill of good news and bad news and tests and more tests. It's exhausting.
Well, the fact that this is now Stage 3 cancer means the treatment is going to be tough. I start this week. Will be kept in hospital overnight just to see how I cope. I will be given a cocktail of about 5 drugs.
That's going to be my life for the next 12 weeks at least. I will be loosing my hair which I can't come to terms with yet. In fact I'm really trying not to think about that at the moment.
So, Christmas is going to be tough this year. I won't have the energy to be the star of the party. I will have to leave that up to all the little people.
I have had this cancer for 2 years. Two years ago I was in hospital with pneumonia and it's quite possible that it was from that virus, the cancer started.
It explains so much. The fatigue and tiredness that I struggled with and pushed through over that time. I never felt that I really recovered properly and would easily succomb to colds and flu bugs around.
Why it was hard for me at work and coping with a lot of things that happened to our family this year.
It all makes so much sense.
My job is still going to be there for me when I finish treatment, when I'm ready to take on a bit of work. I don't think I will work as much as I was, and maybe not at all. But it's so nice that I am appreciated for the work I have done there, and for how quickly I learned 'the ropes' in my new job.
I told Monty tonight that I need to get some medicine to take the lump away in my neck. That this medicine is going to mean that my hair will fall out and I will go bald. Well, the expression on his face was priceless and then he cracked up laughing. I've never seen a bald grandmother before!!!
The little grandchildren are going to be such a help for me. Things will stay in perspective and life will certainly have lots of funny moments.
Now, do I buy a wig? Is it going to be too hot to wear one anyway? Do I enjoy wearing pretty scarves? Maybe my sister can make me some cute hats to wear.
Never thought I would have to make decisions like this.
It's been another big day and I need to sleep.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PETs

I had the famous PET scan today. I thought I needed to take my kittens with me considering it had to do with pets!!!
Seriously, it all went fine. A much better deal than the bone marrow biopsy. Just the usual trouble with finding veins to pop needles and other stuff in to me.
So today I am a bit nuclear - because they had to inject me with some stuff that's radio-active.
Better not light a match!!
It's getting a long long drawn out thing. The tests and the waiting.
On monday I see Prof.Richardson and will then get a good picture of the treatment plan. I havn't been thinking about it all too much because I am not going to get worried about side-affects etc., untill I know exactly what I am facing.
I have worked two shifts this week, and will work again tomorrow. That has helped me so much.
Colin has been home since Thursday, when he had an operation on his eyelid. He has been a good patient, although his eye isn't comfortable. He goes back to his specialist on Monday too.
What a pair we are at the moment.
He has been so good. Vacuming, ironing, dusting even. He gets a bit 'stir crazy' being home all the time, so he asked me for a list of jobs to do. I wasn't going to argue with that!!
I still get tired easily. This is probably a combination of having non-Hodgkins lymphoma as well as the stress my body went through with the anaphalaxis. It's only been 3 weeks after all.
Actually, nearly four weeks now.
I have been having fun making some Christmas presents. They are actually something Jodie made at Scraptacular last year with the Collections tile kits. I'm making one for each of my children and their families.
I also made a clock for Tambi for her birthday. So I'm going to show that off with a photo of it on my blog when I can find it on my puter. Just had a look everywhere and I can't remember where I put it, or what I called the folder.
Ahh....senior moments!!!!
Going to do some work now!

A mixed bag..

I am really amazed at the lovely encouraging comments left on my blog by some very special ladies.
Dawn I so appreciate what you have written.
I to have been printing from my blog because that's the only place I have recorded what's been going on.
I to have become exhausted calling all my children and my sisters and friends each time I have an appointment or a test.
We have decided to have one nominated person that I call and they call the others. And so on. Because it really it far too much for me to cope with going over and over the same scenario.
I really appreciate the quotes you left for me. I am only at the early stages of this whole cancer journey but have already learnt so much that I know I wouldn't have if I wasn't here.
Yesterday was my bone marrow biopsy. Yikes that hurt...and still does.
I have been so blessed with gorgeous children. Sara who took me to the hospital for the test and stayed with me, drove me home, looked after me.
Andrea who has spent the morning with me today, doing the washing and some shopping. The love we all feel within our family just seems to be more acute since they had to deal with almost loosing me, and I have to deal with the cancer.
There's just so much to be grateful for, scared of and unsure of.

No More....

Claire, thank you!
Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.
A visit to an Oncologist! I never thought I would go through all the gammut of emotions that I did. It was probably the most stressful thing I have ever had to do.
However, in my mind I was confident that my test results all show that the cancer is isolated to one area.
That is what everyone thought, that is! The Oncologist is not sure. So I have to go for a PET Scan and A Bone Marrow Biopsy.
It just seems to keep on getting harder and harder.
And I've decided that although I do want to record where this is all taking me and my feelings etc., I don't want to do this on-line. It's not going to be something i want anyone other than my family to read anyway - and that will probably be in a long time from now.
I have decided that keeping an on-line diary isn't what I want to do at the moment. At least not about the challenges I am facing.
I have a beautiful new journal and I am going to use that.
From time to time I will buzz by my on-line blog for 'general life's journey' things.
Thanks girls for your encouragement!!!

Counting my Blessings - Positively!

Ange, Alison and Jane.......thank you so much for the lovely messages. Great to read, and great to get a positive message.
Tomorrow is the big day to get the low down on whatever treatment I'm going to need.
In the meantime I have been trying to keep busy.
Although I don't have much energy I am planning......and when I do that the internet is a bit of a temptation for me.
Firstly I bought a Cricut cartridge on E-bay. The Christmas Cheer one, of course! And I only paid $111.00 for it an absolute bargain! Can't wait to get it!
Then I contacted a sweet lady who I know sells Stampin Up and she's dropping by a catalogue so I can choose a Christmas Set.
Yep.....going to start making Christmas cards! And some great off the page stuff I saw around as well.
Hoping that energy returns a bit though!!!!!!!!
Then I've got lots of other bits and pieces to make for presents.
Nope, I am not going to get bored and I'm not going to get depressed or feeling sorry for myself.
I'm alive.......I don't have any long-term after affects from the anaphalactyc thing.
The anaesthetist called me at home yesterday. Apparently they did some blood tests and for allergies the upper level of normal figure is 13 - mine was 63! So........my acute reaction was a real big whammie. He is also amazed I didn't have a stroke, or renal failure. How blessed I am.
He's actually presenting my case tonight for his colleagues. Should be interesting - not!
Well, I've also been looking around at the gorgeous new Urban Lilly Journal. I thought this would be a great little thing to own so I can journal about all this experience and what's ahead.
Not as a scrapbooking album but just a personal one, with some little scrapbook touches to it.
Uhmmmm.....I know my job is waiting for me, but I'm spending like I've worked an 80hr week!!!
Better hit the brakes!!!
Time to turn the computer OFF

Unshakable Faith

Girls, thanks for your supportive comments. I am not sure who anonymous #2 is, and Linda you are sweet.
I have an unshakable faith in a loving Father in Heaven and his purpose and plan for me is his alone to decide and guide me towards.
He is a forgiving and loving God and he knows the follies of us in our mortality. Everyone of us!!!!
I know this without any doubt at all.
I am not going to qualify comments left on my blog by referring to them.
Today I have been inundated with phone calls from good friends, visits from my children and grandchildren and happy and supportive emails.
How truelly blessed I am!

Almost There....

About a month and a half ago I wrote on my blog here that I had a lump in my neck. I wrote about the subsequent tests etc and that everything turned out fine.
Well, from that i was sent to a surgeon for cosmetic purposes.
And everything began to unravel from there.
Firstly this surgeon straight away told me he was pretty sure I have Hodgkins Lymphoma and the lump needed to be operated on immediately - in four days time to be exact.
This was a huge shock for me. Having been told that I was clear of any 'cancer' link. I was shaking and in tears.
On friday november 2nd I reported for duty at Cabrini Hospital, Brighton to have my surgery in the afternoon.
I get pretty scared of aneasthetics so I was given a pre-med and 10mts later wheeled in to the operating room.
I remember the usual things of being transfered to the operating table. The anaesthetist looking for suitable veins to administer drugs. A mask on my face and off to sleep......................zzzzzzzz!
When I began to recognise sounds around me, I was a bit bewildered. I began to sense that something was different.
Firstly, I had a breathing tube down my throat which I kept gagging on. My hands were tied to the railings of the bed (apparently I tried to pull out the tube!) and conversations that I picked up bits and pieces from didn't make sense.
So what had happened????
Within a minute of going to sleep I had an anaphalactyx allergic reaction to one of three drugs that I was given. (Don't know which yet)
I had no pulse, I stopped breathing. So, I was intubated and massive amounts of adrenaline given to me.
It took an hour to stabilise me enough to transport me via the MICA Ambulance, with the aneasthetist accompanying me to Cabrini Malvern and in to Intensive Care there.
And that's where I began to wake up.
My operation hadn't been done because I had basically died on them.
I will forever be grateful to two amazing men and their staff. Dr. Peter Gregory and Dr. Rod Taylor. Rod Taylor was the aneasthetist who saved my life. Who stayed with me to Intensive Care and was there again first thing in the morning. As was Peter Gregory.
My poor family!!!! they had all sat with me during the night untill they were told I was going to make it and then returned at the crack of dawn. Rod Taylor took them all aside and explained everything that had happened and gave them the opportunities to ask questions.
Meanwhile the staff in Intensive Care had been kept very busy keeping me alive during the night.
Once I came to and things were slowly coming together for me it was the most surreal experience. If I had died I would not have even known I was in such a critical condition. I didn't know any of this had happened.
The next big task was to organise a new surgeon and anaeasthetist to do the surgery, which couldn't be delayed.
Peter Gregory called on his workmate and he in turn called in a specialist aneasthetist and between them all assurred me that they would keep me safe.
So, surgery was scheduled on Monday. It did go OK, and they did keep me safe. I am so grateful to these wonderful people who have had the biggest affect on my life.
Although he didn't do the actual surgery, Peter Gregory has stayed in touch with Colin and with myself almost daily.
This kind of experience really shakes the doctors involved and although if they had to they would operate on me again, but prefer not to. Understandably.
I was so protected, watched over and felt so loved by my family, friends and everyone involved.
I had personal experiences that will stay with me forever.
The pathology result is not what I wanted to hear. I do have cancer in the lymphatic system. It doesn't appear to be anywhere else but in my neck and will require treatment.
Next week I see an oncologist.
I never pictured myself dealing with Cancer. I have never pictured myself looking at the ravages of the treatment on my body. I have never wondered how I might cope if given this kind of news.
Here I am looking straight at it. I am still very affected emotionally and mentally by the past 10 days. However, I feel a strength within myself that I can do this.
Of course I havn't started anything yet and won't know how I'm going to feel.........soon that will be a reality and I may see things very different.
I was almost there...........I was almost gone from this earthly life. But...my life was saved for a reason, for a purpose. I know that without a doubt. What that is will come my way when it's time.
My family both close and extended, both here inVictoria, around Australia, in the US and Europe have all sent their love and prayers to me and I have felt that so strongly.
I am so grateful for my faith, for my knowledge in Jesus Christ as my Saviour. I was given a comfort that only He can!
Now I see so much of what I didn't see before. The things that matter, and the things that don't. The things to invest emotion, time and energy to, and the things to let go.
It has been traumatic, but yet a blessing at the same time.
That's it for now.

Close to the surface......

Just had a lovely time with Martin (son) and Tambi and the kids. We went for a long walk, and the kids rode their bikes.
That's such a nice part of living where we do. We have lots of bike paths and places for the little ones to ride safely.
Then we had taco's and 'stuff' for dinner together.
Tambi had made a chocolate cake and I had made a whipped sort of dessert - all very yummy.
McKenzie (2.5yrs) was so funny. She had eaten plenty and there she was with this chocolate cake sitting right in front of her.
She lowered her head and stuck out her tongue and took a huge 'lick' from the icing of the cake.
It was sooooo funny. Except that her daddy growled at her and made her cry.
She was sooo cute. Tears and chocolate cake all over her face.
What a sweetie.
Just had a lovely email from Wendy who has been so supportive and a good friend to me through tuff times.
She has also experienced some of the same tuff things in her bid to support me and express her own feelings.
Sometimes you just wonder how things get to where they do.
Going over past stuff just brings all that horrible emotion back. It's still so close to the surface.
Just a wrong choice here, or there and you're somewhere where you never intended to go.
And lots of times I still have a big question. What did I do, exactly. Because I've never had it explained to me.
Oh well.......some questions are just going to remain a mystery....and life will continue on without the answers.
Time to go and watch some TV, relax and get my head straightened out again.